My wife lies. I know it is a cruel thing for a husband to say, but it's true.
As I lay in bed at 2 a.m., I shook my wife to ask her what speakers she thought I should get for the car. I asked her my question and she mumbled something to the affect of, "Don't talk to me. I'm asleep. Besides, after you waking me up, we're getting a divorce."
There were other words thrown in there, but I am told that some of the local elementary school teachers use my column for reding practice with their students who are not advanced enough for the Berenstain Bears or Curious George. ("They just love it, TV. They say that if a person who puncuates and spells the way you do can get a column for a local newspaper, it proves there are jobs for them when they leave the fourth grade.").. So, I will not quote her directly.
I don't know if my wife is serious about the divorce part. However, she assures me that waking a wife up at 2 a.m. is, "de facto grounds for divorce in Kansas." Which makes no sense at all since I have a Ford not a De Facto.
So you see, she lied. She was not asleep. I mean, she couldn't talk to me if she were asleep, could she?
Me, I never lie about being asleep. One of the first things I do in the morning is say, "I'm awake! I'm awake!"
Often, I can still be asleep and say it. Actually, I shout it. That comes from being awakened by an older sister who was studying to be one of Satan's minions and who felt it was only right to do her homework on me.
When my mother would ask my sister to wake me up for breakfast, I firmly believe my sister would cackle like an old-time movie witch and rub her hands together trying to think up some bizarre and torturous manner to get me out of bed.
I won't go into specifics, but did you know boa constrictors like to snuggle inside pillow cases.
Anyway, I started noticing that my wife, let us say, fibs about other things, too. The other day she had the sniffles and I asked her how she was, and she answered, "Fine, thank you."
I think it is clear she was not, "fine, thank you.' You are not "fine, thank you," if you have the sniffles.
Now, if you ask me how I feel, I am going to be honest and tell you. I mean, you wouldn't have asked if you didn't want to know, and know in detail right? Of course not.
I have been known to show people scars I received from surgeries decades ago. I have an appendix scar (I think it looks like the state of New Jersey or maybe the country of Burkina Faso) that I am especially fond of.
If a young couple were to ask me the most important thing in a marriage (You'd be surprised how seldom people ask me that), I would quickly say, "honesty."
For example, the other day my wife asked me how the motor oil stain got on the carpet in the living room. I told her that I had heard there was a great deal of that going around. I think someone at the newspaper office said it was called a "drive-by oiling." At least, I think that was the phrase they used.
She also asked how the stove had been partially destroyed by my hunting boots catching fire.
I honestly told her I thought it was her cats. They have been trying to get me in trouble for years, and the way the evidence was laid out, it clearly looked like a feline ploy.
Then there was the other day when my wife asked me how she looked in a new dress she had just bought...
On second thought, maybe you don't have to be hones every single time something comes up.
After all you can have too much of a good thing...can't you?